Tuesday, October 02, 2007
yes.. like the title.. I'm having thoughts of death again.. I can almost see the disappointed faces on my mum and dad, nevertheless they will say 'its okay, just try your best thats all that matters'. But it isnt like this, the fact is that I havent put in enough effort. I didnt try my best. and now all I can do now is pray. Regrets are for losers I always tell myself. and I am the loser. always finding excuses for myself. Laziness lingers within me. 'I cant adapt', 'Its very different, you wouldnt understand' were the words I used to tell the rest. But I know, its all within me. I dont want to adapt. What a horrible child I am, always shouting at my parents, putting the blame on their genes that caused me so many miseries, while they just tolerated, loving me all the same, thinking I'm the smartest, with me they find security in future. My thoughts of death often gets disrupted by the angelic thoughts of my family, how they'll be so devastated, how they'll be unable to survive and carry on, how their hopes were crushed like a candy taken away from a little girl.
'Outsiders just dont understand us' my inner soul says, and they never will. The higher their hopes, the harder it is to break the news of my failure to them. and them saying that they wont pressure me just makes it worst. I've never felt so lost before, so lonely with no one to confess to, but recently it was made obvious, I am alone.
At times I'll blame god for neglecting me, for his refusal of allowing me to find happiness in journey of life, for giving me a family I cant talk to. My mum and dad, they have their own problems, my sister, one suffering from attention deficit hyperactive disorder and the other in her own world of men and money. I love them although it gets hard sometimes..
They'll just laugh at me when I fail and gloat over my misfortune thanking god that it didnt happen to them. They'll just take me as a mode of comparison and i'll make their day if they won me in something.
After awhile I've stopped believing in the existence of true friends as it really just means backstabbing. They backstab you because they dont wanna hurt you by telling you your bad points. Speaking your mind is not allowed in the friendship circle as that'll only mean you're noisy and you wouldnt have time to hear their problems. So having friends is like playing a game really, just have fun, or rather, just FOR fun.
If only it feels a little better after I wrote this, but it doesnt make a difference. I've stopped being too depressed now, but I know it'll haunt me later in the night, there'll be a crack that'll hurt once in while, now and then.
I've learnt that weaklings cry to sympathize with themselves and make themsleves feel better.
So I chose to cry..
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
