Bathed in Dawn's Light

The end...

2007-11-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

Ahh... this is the end of the road for dreadfullullaby and there'll no more blog posts in here anymore. I've changed it to www.xanga.com/choijunwah so friends.. link me if u wan! =)

Cheers
With love
Stella

Thanks..

2007-11-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is one of the days in which I feel that I have been blessed by god and that for all the setbacks and hardships I've been through, at least I have something to be proud of and I can pat myself on the back and say 'well, life isnt so bad huh?'. Now you might be thinking what happened today that caused me to not stop grinning ever since I touched home. Well, it isnt something spectacular or anything and it probably wouldnt mean anything to other people, but to me, it means everything. Today, I thought it would be like every other day ever since the holidays started. So I woke up, watched tv, played com, eat and swim, as usual. Until I saw a miss call frm gus at 5, that changed everything. Me and Jo went to meet gus and jason at Bukit Timah plaza for pool and initially wanted to watch movie despite jason's persistent objection because he wants to watch the arsenal vs man u soccer match. Ah.. whats so fun about it? "are you playing? you're not wad.. watch for wad?!" - quoted by gus.. haha.. makes lots of sense.. Then gus had to spoil it all when he announced that he has to go meet his friends later for bowling. -.- So the whole movie thing was cancelled, or rather, postponed. After pool(Jason you still owe me a strip show cos you lost!) we went to pizza hut for dinner (sinful.. I know) and decided that we join gus and his friends to bowl. Those 2 hungry fellows ordered a four person set meal(duh. cos we had 4 people) which consists of 4 bowls of soup, 4 glasses of pepsi and 2 large pan pizzas. And it wasnt enough for them! They ordered an additional plate of chicken drumlets and cinnamon bread. It was like a hungry human festival. tsk tsk. Dinner was fantastic, nothing beats having a group of friends gather around the table under the warm, cozy, yellow light, catching up on lost times and cracking really lame jokes. Non of us could withstand gus' lameness. I really think he should go back to north pole, where he really feels at home. So the dinner was filled with fun and laughters and it was one of the best(not exaggerating here) dinner I've ever had after a very long time.. The best thing was that Jason actually paid for me and Jo! I mean, not that I'm so desperate for someone to treat me or anything, but the fact that Jason offered really touched me. I've never had a friend treat me before. Payment was always settled through the 'dutch' method. But today, its just different. I swear I'm gonna treat the next time. Yea, I've always wanted this, anyone can treat and the rest can treat the next time round. After dinner we cabbed down to west coast sports complex to meet gus' friends. Now this is where it gets really funny.. haha!!! Before we met them, gus introduced them as a bunch of 'guai lan' kias, so me and jo thought we were prepared to meet them. Turned out to be that they are really a bunch of guai lan kias!! haha.. Not really that bad but all of them are weird. Yes, there is no other word to describe them, all weird. there were 6 guys and a girl in total. The girl was normal though, with outstanding bowling skills(I suspect that she trains almost everyday) and is very pretty(I suppose thats why she is the only girl there), as for the guys.. one looks totally like a 'zai nan', and dresses like one(I was confirmed by Jo and jason) but gus explains that he is not. another had this crazy, weird, random dance whenever he almost cleared the pins. and another kept shaking his butt and flashing his tummy and another jumps and spins and I dunno wad he did but it was hilarious! Well there were a few more but they were more sane in comparison. gus was the best among his group of friends and I was really proud of it.. =) We only played one game and decided to leave for home. So we bade gus goodbye and left. Its a happy happy day and there was never a minute where I felt unhappy or regret coming out. It was all worth it and with that, I know that I've been blessed with these true friends that I'll always cherish.. =)

Last day of school

2007-10-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

Just a Random Pic Sze Ying took

Today marks the end of my official school days in JJC for yr 2007, and the start of many other things! I'm gonna get a job, and live my life fully to compensate the loss of freedom for the past few mths. My day today was dreadful one.. Had cramps in sch(and only in sch) and was feeling uneasy all over. Was late for math lesson, then again, math lesson itself was a dread, econs lecture was like listening to chantings and totally blew the opportunity to sing wif my sis when I insisted that she pay.. haha.. I was actually just kidding with her but on a serious note, its rather expensive. The only fruitful thing was lit lecture where we get to continue the movie from yesterday, following the theme of identity, but we didnt get to finish it so i'm kinda like hanging in midway.. Funny cos 5 mins ago I had a sudden urge to blog but sorta lose it along the way.. Haha..random day,random blog.. Woo Hoo! Hello Holidays!!

blogging like its friday.. =)

2007-10-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ha! Today is monday, couldnt find anything to do, so I decided to blog instead. Today is JJC's sports carnival and I made sushi for "the gang" (means friends) to try. The good thing was that they finished everything and the bad thing was the rice had not enough vinegar, which I totally agree thanks to me trying to save 4 bucks on high quality Japanese mitsukan. Today, I realised that basketball was a very cool thing. I mean.. like I already knew it was cool before, just never knew it was this cool.. Okay, I'm not speaking right.. Basketball really bonds people, like Wei Jian and the rest of the Ao1 bb guys. Ahh.. soon he will forget us and move on.. *sobs.. kidding. I finally understand why people take these events so seriously and that it is okay to do so. Its the glory, the faith inside telling you that you can win this, and so you must win. Cool huh.. Anyway our class won! Woo hoo.. Glory goes to 07A01!! WJ was like the star player, and a really gentleman indeed! Feeling all guilty after snatching that girl's ball.. aww.. (curse that guy with white shorts and red stripes! How dare he elbow girls! What a loser! ) Felt really happy when we won although I took no part in it! Still, looking at your friends striving so hard for something and reaping results makes me happy all the same. Okay enough of the game. After many hours of sitting under the sun, we went to JEC to eat, play arcade and pool. Left after awhile and Wei Jian suggested going to IMM to eat again, and it was like only a few hours later! These crazy people went to swensens for ice cream and of course I didnt have any! I'll be shooting myself right in the foot if I had done so! HA! Trying to tempt me with ice cream? No way Jose!! Maybe subway or that sinful bubble tea.. haha.. The 3 of them ate 10 scoops of ice cream! So sinful! and they are all like what? 38? 45kg? Hey god, this is unfair! hmm.. then again, they exercise so cant complain you lazy pig!!
Went home and managed to catch 'Hey gorgeous' on channel U. There were many of the candidates that were the 'abc' kind. In other words, its known as 'jiak kan tang' (eat potato). I really dont understand. You are a chinese, your roots are from china, you are a singaporean, you are supposed to know chinese, its your mother tongue language, china's market is developing, and chinese is important in relation to work and university admission. So why is the chinese language constantly being neglected in Singapore? Isnt it a disgrace? And it only applies to the chinese, since all malays know malay and all tamils know tamil? Dont you think its weird if you are a chinese and you say "I cant really speak chinese." Its like telling your mother you dont know her name, isnt it? I think its because people have this thinking that the english speaking people are 'cool' in Singapore, what a bimbotic thought. To this people, I can only say that there is nothing to be proud of seriously.. :x
Ahh.. finally I'm done! Yes! blogging like its friday since I really have nothing to do. Mum tells me to find a job and stop slacking.. haha

Friday is for blogging...

2007-10-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

yes.. Its another friday to blog bout the week's events.. ahhh... havent been doing much lately.. the usual routine is jus sch, home, com, sleep, eat... boring... shld start exercising soon.. ah ha! blame it on the weather.. Its been raining non stop these few days and I hate rainy days when u cant go outside and have fun!
Oh yea.. this little short para is dedicated to Rae... So sorry, I think the boredom is giving me a headache so I tend to get a little easily irritated and and hot tempered. Forgive me if I didnt have the patience to listen to ur rantings and all.. of cos u can talk bout ur stuff, after all, that's wad frens r for right? (at least till A levels. *winks) And sorry, if u didnt noe i'm very sensitive to everything.. so its either I really noe wads on ur mind or i'm thinking too much.. n through experience, I cant change this.. bear with me okay? :D
hualalalallallalalaaa.. okay... lets save n go taiwan! I really really wanna go.. :D save hard okay!?
On thurs I went to kbox with rae, meng li and wei jian. It was lyk going with 2 aunties and a stone. Meng li is lyk a 50 yrs old obasan in disguise! If i'm not wrong we sang more of oldies than modern songs.. and weijian., stoned all the way, broke his record of singing 2 songs and couldnt get high no matter wad.. yawned so many time when he was wif us! haiz... haha.. but it was really worth it though.. To all avid kboxers, kbox is celebrating its 5th anniversary so happy hour rates are at $5+++ per pax. Its only for a limited time period so HURRY!!
okay.. shall end here to spare sometime deciding on wad to do tmr... :D

Another day with Seok

2007-10-12T06:00:00.001-07:00

Dragging myself to blog since seok keeps insisting that I do and wouldnt rest until I type something in my post.. seriously almost brain dead and very restless.. Must be that ramen we had earlier today!

Ahh.. Friday is one to look forward to.. its the day whereby u can enjoy after school hours n hog on the computer for hours n hours without worrying if u'll be late for sch the next day. Den u look forward to Saturday! Another great day to chill out wif a couple of friends or sip a cup of coffee on a nice comfy couch at starbucks (or moonbucks by xiah junsu..lols.) Anyway... my point is, its supposed to be a great day n its Hari Raya Puasa! (although i dun c how its linked to me..) hmm.. Had lessons as per normal today and got back my lit paper 5.. haiz didnt do so great but not like I can change the fact now so I should stop whining.. Den we went to JP (Okay Seok.. this part is for you) n i swear it wasnt my idea to go to crystal jade.. I could've settled for kopitiam's zha jiang mian too n enjoyed it but i was dragged to crystal jade to spend more on the same bowl of ramen and its not like the atmosphere is tt great.. Den we saw 06A01 and admired at how their class bonded so well.. I guess its bcos all their characters are quite similar in nature and they give in to one another. I noe some of them and generally.. they r really nice ppl... some exceptions maybe? hmm.. not too sure.. haiz its really great to see them all so close and reflecting back on my class, its just very different. 06A06 can really bond when it comes to certain things but we'll nv really be close friends bcos most of us r very different with the main division between the chings n the ang mohs.. I dun even need to mention 07A01 bcos I dun even feel a sense of identity in that class excluding FR10. Its a pity seok is not in A01 cos i'll be abit more hyper rather than staring out of the classroom looking totally lost in another world.. At this point, I may have disgressed a little, so its back to crystal jade. I ordered my fav zha jiang la mian and some xin ji zhong gal ordered a bowl of spring onion noodles. The food was served very quickly (like they had pre-cooked it) and my bowl was much bigger than seok although the servings were the same. -.- Halfway through our lunch i realised that a couple of A01 guys who jus came were staring so i turned back n they were laughing at my big bowl. Jack said 'Whoa! ur bowl very big eh?' and asked 'You still wanna be a ball huh?' okay tt totally ruined lunch and I could imagine 8 bucks flushed into the drained jus like that.. haha.. Its not that bad la.. If you know me u would've realised bout my tendency to exaggerate.. Still.. that was a mean mean thing to say isnt it? Even if I was slim and pretty I wouldnt tell that to somebody.. But oh well.. the freedom of speech, couldnt interfere could I? And its not even like I upsized my bowl or smth.. The thing wif fat ppl.. they get picked on and once in a while you laugh along but most of the time you jus nod ur head n smile, covering the knife that is stabbing right through. eeaaccckkk!!!! The reality of life: If u're not happy, do smth, if u cant do smth, den live with it. Through media, beauty is determined by a strict set of criteria that has got nth to do wif the internal whatsoever. (yeayea... this post is getting draggy..) okay.. digressing again.. Den Seok took ages to finish her noodles ( yea.. I gorged on mine.. ) so i had to wait for her and started getting crazy aft an hr or so, which was a bad idea bcos she took another half an hr to laugh and finally resuming to her one strand a minute, noodle chewing process.. The funny thing was: it was so hot tt seok kept blushing non stop and she could nv concentrate on toking to me cos she was alwaes looking somewhere else, claiming that my face spoilt her appetite, like I had a great time wif hers..-.- And aft lunch we made a fool of ourselves at toys r us by mimicking spongebob(me) and elmo(seok) playing ball.. ha! she lost.. den we went to search for DBSK posters and pics but jp comics connection is very limited in DBSK supplies! so we got really bored and went to 2 travel agencies to grab some brochures on Taiwan! Nobody was interested to serve us.. haha.. Fun times nv last! so very soon it was time to part n seok had to rush hm to shit(she has got really good bowels n a serious bladder problem) while I had to drag myself to no. 500 to get plastic bags for flea market tmr.
Yeah! Its flea market tmr @ cine.! was clearing out my closet yesterday for clothes to sell and almost empitied the whole area. It den strucked me that I havent been shopping for ages..tsk tsk.. I'd rather spend the money on kbox and DBSK.. haha! mmm.. hopefully I can sell most of my clothes contributing to the stella needy fund which is running dry..

ahh.. getting tired now.. seok u'd better read every single word! I spent hrs on this!!

a slash in the throat.. eternal peace

2007-10-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

yes.. like the title.. I'm having thoughts of death again.. I can almost see the disappointed faces on my mum and dad, nevertheless they will say 'its okay, just try your best thats all that matters'. But it isnt like this, the fact is that I havent put in enough effort. I didnt try my best. and now all I can do now is pray. Regrets are for losers I always tell myself. and I am the loser. always finding excuses for myself. Laziness lingers within me. 'I cant adapt', 'Its very different, you wouldnt understand' were the words I used to tell the rest. But I know, its all within me. I dont want to adapt. What a horrible child I am, always shouting at my parents, putting the blame on their genes that caused me so many miseries, while they just tolerated, loving me all the same, thinking I'm the smartest, with me they find security in future. My thoughts of death often gets disrupted by the angelic thoughts of my family, how they'll be so devastated, how they'll be unable to survive and carry on, how their hopes were crushed like a candy taken away from a little girl.
'Outsiders just dont understand us' my inner soul says, and they never will. The higher their hopes, the harder it is to break the news of my failure to them. and them saying that they wont pressure me just makes it worst. I've never felt so lost before, so lonely with no one to confess to, but recently it was made obvious, I am alone.
At times I'll blame god for neglecting me, for his refusal of allowing me to find happiness in journey of life, for giving me a family I cant talk to. My mum and dad, they have their own problems, my sister, one suffering from attention deficit hyperactive disorder and the other in her own world of men and money. I love them although it gets hard sometimes..
They'll just laugh at me when I fail and gloat over my misfortune thanking god that it didnt happen to them. They'll just take me as a mode of comparison and i'll make their day if they won me in something.
After awhile I've stopped believing in the existence of true friends as it really just means backstabbing. They backstab you because they dont wanna hurt you by telling you your bad points. Speaking your mind is not allowed in the friendship circle as that'll only mean you're noisy and you wouldnt have time to hear their problems. So having friends is like playing a game really, just have fun, or rather, just FOR fun.
If only it feels a little better after I wrote this, but it doesnt make a difference. I've stopped being too depressed now, but I know it'll haunt me later in the night, there'll be a crack that'll hurt once in while, now and then.

I've learnt that weaklings cry to sympathize with themselves and make themsleves feel better.
So I chose to cry..

dreaming again

2007-09-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

After a thousand yrs of slacking, finally its time to blog again! Today I went for my 1st taekwondo training.. Was abit disappointed cos I couldnt split as much as before and I forgot all my pattern and kicks, nonetheless happy that I managed to meet a few nice people and catch up with Clara. =) After that we went for lunch at subway, omg they all love subway! haha.. den I went studying at the crowded JE library with seok peng and jian wen. Couldnt even find a proper seat! Jian wen got tired and left eventually and seok lost interest in staying any longer so we decided to have dinner instead. Went for some korean food which sp took hrs to finish and we talked about taiwan again! Haiz.. really wished I could go.. even if we could not get anyone else.. after dinner we went up to the arcade for the dunking machine! only managed to play once cos we were running short of cash, so we decided it was time for home sweet home.. =)

Aww.. the thought of homework, promos and project just kills me. So tired to do anything right now. Feel like talking on the phone right now, although I know the only one who would call me just calls me when he is bored and needs an entertainer, still, just a sudden random crave.. =)

Ahh.. tmr is another dreadful day.. Got to meet Bestia at 10 to do seminar paper. Dont even know how to ans the question. History sucks, Econs sucks, Math sucks! I'm gonna retain and sweep streets in 3 yrs time..

Okay. Getting really tired so i'm off to slack. Wish I can go Bali soon, Taiwan in the next 2 years and also Japan in the near future. Thats all that matters now.. I should work hard and save some money =) . Travelling is like the best thing in life, especially with a group of friends you treasure n treasures you. Thanks to Globalisation!!!!

Another week gone.. =.=

2007-08-27T03:21:00.000-07:00

Ta da!! Here I am, back again.. not an inch taller nor a pound lesser.. sigh.. life still goes on.. and on.. and on... dread school as usual but I dont know why.. Just lose interest in econs and maths all of a sudden thanks to the ppl associated with these subjects.. Went to watch 881 with my family today.. omg sucks totally! so boring so lame!! The costumes were the only thing that attracted my attention.. Nature called me aft 3/4 of the show and I had to bear with it till the show was over. It was a painful experience, my stomach was bloated with pee till it kind of hardened and I had to struggle all the way to the toilet. The last quarter of the show was soooo draggy! The papaya sisters sang the hokkien song 'each person half', 3 times! den they continued to sing other songs.. =.= and my mum actually cried.. oh my god.. okay changing the subject.. went to my sister's chalet during the weekend.. It was okay.. so I guess it was worth it spending all that money and time doing nothing.. Tomorrow is my sister's birthday so I think I should get her a present.. hmmmm... blog some other time den!

All That Matters Now..

2007-08-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Whahaha! back frm 1 whole week of struggling wif life.. The process: tough, but nevertheless.. fruitful.. :D
Monday
hmm... wad happened on monday? Oh oh yes.. realised that we have to hand in our empathy journal and was totally stressed out for 10 mins before I realised that I've got to do smth instead of panicking.. -.- Den I had a new GP tutor.. oh gosh.. I miss shirley chan! come back soon after ur maternity leave okay! I hope the new gp teacher is good, GP is lyk so important. goodness! After GP I met up wif my sis and went for dinner at this zu chao place at Bukit Timah. whoa.. zu chao is really expensive if u eat wif jus a few ppl. so zu chao=grp activity! We went home early since it was the 'seventh month' and my sis insists that I slp wif her so its been 1 whole week of slping on the solid hard parquet floor...
Tuesday
Got back my econs.. Was lyk so depressed for the whole day. yea yea.. I failed!! again!! Haiz.. Thank god dere was mass dance for pc so it kinda lyk cheered me up a little.. haha.. n jalaine was quite funny when she tried to console me by saying 'nvm la stella! next yr I join u!!' den I was lyk 'But I dun wanna retain anymore!!' lols... ya.. If I retain again I'll probably go SIM n slim down n get a bloody rich man so tt I do not suffer when I'm old! whahahaha!! k kidding..
Wednesday
went to URA building for learning journey.. How is it a 'learning journey' when u dun learn anything? the only thing I remember was tt the sofa dere was very comfortable.. -.- boring.. but at least we get to skip training.. haha.. bestia better not c this.. :x
Thursday
Boring day.. nth much to talk bout..
Friday
went out wif sk kian wee n jason lua n camie to vivo to shop ard.. riverisland omg omg so cheap but didnt manage to get anything.. haiz.. augus called say he saw me and stupid jason tan said it was bad luck! hey watch out u piece of ****. den we went to westzone superstar.. omg sucks lyk hell.. wasted 10 bucks listening to ppl singing off tune and watching an unfair competition. its more lyk who has more votes rather than hu sings better.. not saying tt the winner doesnt deserve it or anything.. still.. unfair competition...
Saturday
stayed at home watching movies my sis rented.. not too bad.. went for dinner wif family at this really good thai restaurant(olive rice is woohooo!!).. den went for bowling.. not too bad for a starter okay! but omg aft lyk 2 games i got really tired and once the ball slipped off my hands and went backwards.. my whole family was laughing at me.. thank god dere werent alot of ppl ard..
Sunday
yeah!! went to join gus n kkh at starbucks.. saw sham and well.. didnt really change much.. caught up wif em a little and gossip bout others.. stupid jason didnt wanna join us n jia whei didnt pick up.. joleen came aft awhile n we stayed till 7 plus and went hm..idiotic augus kept asking us wad we're gonna do if we fail promos.. idiot la! touch wood!! I went ntuc to get some fruits while talking to my HAO JIE MEI jason.. Really miss those secondary school days.. the life, the company... haiz.. I nv really cherished till I lose it.. kkh, jw, dan.. the lamers of 4/2.. always asking teachers stupid questions tt hopefully waste alot of time so tt we do not have to do work.. den deres the really stupid ppl lyk jason.. always asking stupid questions(but not on purpose) n making the whole class filled wif laughter.. the focus was nv on academic results n we laugh even if we fail 2 subjects or more.. augus wif his lame jokes n Federick for jus being a great fren.. haha.. its kinda random but I was listening to wake me up when september ends when I suddenly thought of Federick! aww.. really miss him alot.. such a great fren.. went out shopping wif me for a present for ... n helping me carry all those stuff..(such a gentleman compared to the jj guys) haiz.. n when I quarrelled wif my clique, he was right dere beside me.. (literally) see.. u'll nv noe u've loved till u've lost.. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!! ahh!!! yeah.. we r going beaching soon.. hehe.. cant wait to see em all again! :D

Okay time to stop blogging.. gotta get some rest to struggle through tmr!!

National Day Outing!! JE - Settlers - WestCoast

2007-08-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hungry people!!

SP looks lyk Chucky! scary~~

wads for dinner?!

奶媽!~~ pretty rite? :)

SP- Mortified 0_0

Settlers! So fun!!

tryna look slim.. 心機重!

Koala Bear! Shan's the bamboo:)

omg.. WJ is 200cm!

HugS :):):)

Its a tough day!

Yeah!!! I'm glad I enjoyed myself! I hope they enjoyed too cos tts really all that matters..

Interhouse :D

2007-08-10T09:46:00.001-07:00

tts me serving the ball!

*constipated look

apparently I wasnt tall enuf! :(

I look lyk a fat lump of shit.. tsk!

failed attempt to look lyk a Rocker!

The new team

Besie!~~

Da Ting! Zhong Ting! Xiao Ting!

haha.. look at hui hui...

Finally!!

2007-08-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

Glad she was here.. :)

ching, Jo, Stel, Ting

JJ vballers 2006-7

me n ching lee!

I really miss those days when we trained together! It was the best days of my volleyball 'journey'.. Its never the same without you guys..

Whahahaha!!!

2007-08-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

haha.. Its been soo darn long! I must admit I created another blog wif thoughts of abandoning this 1.. but well.. some problems cropped up so here I am back again! :D

Updates:
07A01: Finally, I began to feel a little less awkward around them. I guess we kinda bonded. :D All I can say is that fate brought me here, and fate gave me a whole new bunch of cute, cheerful and funloving friends! Although school life is never easy and fun and the fact that I retained made it worse, they are the little angels that makes the journey alot more enjoyable. A few months ago I came across this line: Friends are like angels, the kind that God sends, the only thing that's different, we call them Friends.. :D
Really thought that line was beautiful and meaningful. :) Although we arent really close yet and I still get a little awkward once in a while, I guess it'll get better soon.. But of course I wouldnt wanna speak too soon or I might regret and get really emotional when it doesnt. Oh wells.. shouldnt think so much anyway. :D

Friends: Ahhh!! I miss Joleen! and my other secondary sch darlings! hope to see them real soon. Managed to catch up a little wif PY and was really glad that she broke up wif that guy. Finally she saw the light and realised that he is just a block of wood. We'll meet up one day very soon and u shall intro this guy u've been dying to introduce to us k? ahhh cant wait to go out wif Joleen.. I went town today morning to get a present for grandma and saw so many things on sale!! ahhh!! oh oh and of cos I wont forget the new friends that I've made recently.. Haha.. It was a surprise how I managed to click wif Seok Peng! She's not even in the same class! I guess its bcos of the fact that she is really lame, gets very high, watches 100% entertainment and
entertains me when I'm feeling awkward. :D Glad to know new friends like leng shan, szeying, wanqing, linda, mengli, shasha, theresa, junkai, miaochen, jalaine and (bestia and weijian, if you consider em as new friends..) :D:D

Fun: After commontest the usual gals went to JP to have dinner at subway and then JE to play pool and arcade. Me and seok peng got very high for no reason and everyone was puzzled at our sudden 'clickness'...-.- Mengli wanted to reminisce her childhood so me and seok peng accompanied her to play some kiddy games like the stepping spider n flintstones memory match game(dere is smth wrong wif tt machine! DONT PLAY TT!)
After that we got some drinks and left for home. Its been a long time since I had fun.. haiz..
Next, we went SETTLERS cafe on wed for the student package. Its pretty worth it actually. considering the amt of fun we had.. lols.. The best game I thought was the Cranium! initially when I heard the word 'Cranium' I was kinda turned off as it sounded lyk u had to crack ur brains lyk hell to ans qns. But to my amazement, it turned out to be soooooooooo fun!! My team members were szeying n weijian and I realised that I have telepathy wif szeying n to a smaller extent, weijian! woo hoo!! we were leading okay! haha.. den lengshan had to act as a drag queen!(we chose tt for her! heh heh..) and it was soooo funny.. I hope tt szeying can put it up on youtube. share the joy! woo hoo!! Den we went to westcoast to bowl and play pool, but I did neither and stayed ard to disturb the rest. den we parted wif linda n wanqing n went for dinner. It was the battle of the 2 choosy people! Bestia wanted Jap food(surprisingly) n Leng Shan wanted Mac (as usual-.-) so weijian suggested tt we flipped a coin to make a decision and we went mac.. I jus dun understand how ppl can eat 2 meals of deep fried stuff in a day n not get fat!(we had fish n chips at settlers) goodness!! so poor me drank milo while watching the rest indulge in their sinful meals.. after dinner, we sat for awhile to chat and digest our food. Weijian got cornered when we sudddenly remembered his blog post. haha.. poor chap.. tsk tsk.. hope he's not irritated or anything.. :s
Yeee haaa!!! we r going Kbox on SUNDAY! woo hoo.!! cant wait for more class bonding n clique bonding(for me since the rest alr bonded)!! but i wun keep my hopes too high as I always get disappointed in the end. tsk tsk.. okay.. hope tt everything goes well and every1 turns up! :D:D:D

Its lyk 1 a.m. in the morning and here I am still blogging.. I shld get to bed soon as I have to wake up early tmr to do up some stuff.. :D

all over again...

2007-04-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

As of today, I am officially a j1.. hmm.. what can I say.. I cant regret now although I seriously miss A06 soooo much!! I just love them and I never knew that until today.. Haiz.. wells.. since I chose this path.. Its my duty to make the best of what is given to me.. haiz.. today I went to jp with sk and we shopped for like hrs.. shopping with her is lots of fun bcos she doesnt only concentrate on the goods but still talks as she shops.. wif her ard.. shopping doesnt seem so boring.. lols.. and i'm really glad that we're talking again cos some time ago I thought she was pissed with me.. and i'm just glad that we're back to being blgs again... although dere might be some disagreements but I guess in frenships dere are bound to be disagreements and its a matter of how we forgive and accept each other.. so i love you guys no matter what!! :S so mushy.. eeeewwwww... goosebumps! lols.. haiz retaining is like jumping into the sea from Titanic before it hits the ice berg.. either i swim and survive or I freeze and die... so now i'm in a situation whereby i'm swimming around and looking for a plank to keep me floating.. :D :D okay.. enough of blogging.. its time to start searching for 1..

Lost in the middle of nowhere..

2007-04-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

hmm... went for training at sembawang today. i tot we were like going to train for the whole day.. sadly no.. but the trip was worthwhile after all. (: at least i came home not regretting that I spent 1 whole day not doing any homework.. lols.. yeah! we finally bought our team bag! and it only costs 60 bucks! cheap! :) but we can only collect it on thursday which is like so rush cos we have our 1st match on friday.

Haiz. Recently i've been really restless.. 1st I was down with a flu and straight after that, sore throat. I almost died during training today. my head hurts like hell and I had a tummy ache in between and I had to hold my shit all the way. It was so dizzy and uncomfortable. When I fell onto the floor while trying to save that ball, hitting my head hard on the floor, I seriously blacked out.. lols... I'm a weakling.. I havent been sick for like 4 years? 5? I dont even remember when was the last time I lost my voice.. the agony of not being able to go kbox-ing.. you guys just wouldnt understand... and my sister constantly inviting me to her kbox outings just adds on to the misery.. :( anyway its going to recover and once again i will be able to fill my schedule with kbox outings! No one can stop my undying passion for singing.. singing is my only joy in life. while most people confide in friends when the going gets tough.. I prefer to gather a few friends for kbox! lols..

hmm... Volleyball..
I really see potential this year.. Not like I'm any expert or anything but seriously.. the girls are good enough to go further.. I guess its like what everyone says.. Teamwork.. But seriously.. How much teamwork does one expect when most of them just came and we kept changing formations?? and the fact that we dont cheer and dont speak just adds on.. I think we should have a meeting soon.. discuss everything.. I think we'll all feel alot better after that.. Its more productive than just blindly train.. making the same mistakes all the time.. But you see.. I'm not in the position to comment.. I'll just try my best and do my part and take whatever is given to be and be thankful to get this far.. leave the rest to the pros.. :D
haiz.. I dont know.. I guess sometimes I do things to irritate people and they are mad at me? Or they just dont like the way I speak or do things.. I'm reall sorry if I made you upset. Is it me??? I really dont know.. If there is anything that I do wrong I think I'll prefer someone pointing it out.. at least I can change... or try to.. :D

... 'Haha' just called.. its 1 30 am.. =.= lols.. he is in jurong point now.. and he asked if I wanted to join... sadly.. I rejected.. am I escaping? Or am I just trying to buy time?

wished time could turn back...

Then I wouldnt have to think so much...

perhaps I'll be alot happier...

Recently I've been listening to this song called ' never let you go ' Its really nice and I think you should all go and listen to it.. the lyrics is quite meaningful...

once upon a time.. I believed.....

All over again..

2007-03-22T02:13:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I'm retaining!! tts if jjc permits me to.. with 1 thousand plus J1 students this yr.. I dun think they'll allow.. But I've already consulted Subash and he thinks that I should retain if I feel that i'll need another year to catch up.. So i've more or less decided, just waiting for my reply.. this is my life my future so i should ultimately be the 1 deciding so if anything goes wrong and I start regretting, i'll have myself to blame. (according to fook -.-) Thanks great friend.. I think its better for me to start J1 all over again rather than come back next yr after screwing up my A levels to repeat J2 cos my J1 foundation would still be unstable.. I've talked to my parents about this and since dad says "Go Ahead!", I should! haiz.. I'll miss 06A06.. all the fun and laughters.. all the times we spent slacking at fk's hse.. finally bonding through drama fest.. going for class jamming and even thinking of forming a band... oh my gosh.. so many memories...

Back to my emo days..

2007-03-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

And yes.. this is one of the days when I feel really emotional and just wanna spill everything out so that i'll feel alot better inside... I guess I cant really change the fact that i'm jus an emo kid walking ard with a mask and trying my best to fit in... Its in me and I cant really help it.. This is an emo blog.. dont read it if u dun wan to.. dun comment if u dun wan to and dun think i'm thinking too much if u r reading this.. :) hmm.. so where shall I start? oh yes.. i shall separate this into many entries so that it doesnt get too draggy...

University?? Will I ever get dere??

2007-03-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

yeah!! chinese a level results r out! I got an A! although my oral is only a merit, but i'm still very surprised bout my results! I still tot i might get a D... cos i remember not doing very well for the paper... hmm.. my dad suspects that the examiner marked wrongly.. -.- when i told him tt i got back my a level chinese result he said he would be really happy if I got a D... n when i told him i got an A he was lyk 'How come?? did the examiner mark wrongly?' -,- thanks dad.. so now i'm thinking whether should I use my chinese grade to secure a place in the university? cos I noe my other subjects arent tt good and chinese is not counted for the courses in uni but they'll probably place more focus on chinese for courses like mass com(chinese) or smth along tt line.. hmm.. sk wans to get into mass com.. advertising.. or design i think... heard her talking bout it a few times.. n I tot tt it might be a gd idea for me too.. since the arts courses r not really my forte n interest wise.. i'm not really sure cos it alwaes changes i guess.. haiz... i dunno.. better not to think tt much now... i'll have another six mths to think bout it after the a level exams... n for now.. i shall jus concentrate on striving for more alternatives later.. =) at this rate I dun even noe whether I can get dere... =( lols...

Losing my faith...

2007-03-01T06:53:00.002-08:00

With the blink of an eye, another day has passed.. tmr we will all be getting our a level chinese result.. worried? not really.. dun think i'll do well anyway.. i'll definitely have to retake so no pt in panicking at this hour.. seriously, blogs are not really considered an online diary since ur frens have access to it and you cant really write about ur true feelings.. thus, blogs are for good impression and not for free expression.. i guess i've said it once or twice before but it doesnt really matter.. :D haha.. its really ironic how people tell me to change my blog cos its too emo when i'm actually using this blog to express my feelings.. haha.. tts just a comment.. today.. haha msged me online and we chatted on the msn for about half an hr.. i realised that i'm no longer able to guess what his actions meant or what's he trying to do.. but really, i dont think i wanna waste my time cracking my brains on such matters when it all ends up to nothing.. I remember those times where i would still blame myself for everything i've done and how i didnt treasure and took everything for granted. Now.. those days are over and its time to move on and if only he would take a look at me now, he'd thank god tt he chose to let go.. Finally the econs test is over and it feels good to have gotten a load off my back although i only hope to get a borderline fail but I know I've tried so the outcome does not matter at all..

It's better to love and lost than to never love at all.. (quote frm apple)

=) i'm sorry i just cant trust you as i'd rather believe my instincts....

Losing my faith...

2007-03-01T06:53:00.001-08:00

good friends dont stab you in the back, they stab you in the heart..

2007-02-26T02:14:00.000-08:00

too tired to blog.. I just want to let you guys know that its not ur fault but mine.. i'm the cause of everything although I very much do not want it to end this way.. many times i tried to tell myself that this is different from the past but i'm only starting to see more similarities. past experiences have given me a shield so i'm sorry for being the way I am... but thats me and I cant change the fact. Too afraid of being hurt.. to afraid to unmask the harsh reality.. thus, all I can do now is to escape and hope that I will not regret this decision.. I'm just not good enough so I should leave before you see the faults.. and leave a beautiful memory behind until the day I know I can be the friend that everyone cherishes.. the one that deserves a little more attention and alot more care.. perhaps i'll be happier this way...

miracles do happen..

2007-02-25T04:08:00.000-08:00

oh.. so many days already.. whahaha.. so many things to write about... lets see.. me and sk quarrelled with zhou ren recently and now we're okay.. so i'm really glad and since den my attitude towards everyone changed. for better or worse, it doesnt really matter as long as i'm happier than before.. =) Recently i've been toking to sk.. not lyk the usual crapping sessions but serious conversations.. she thought me never to let anyone influence my thoughts and we should not care about what others prefer and sought to be what they want. so from then, i realised that there is nothing wrong in voicing out and nothing wrong with doing what i want even though most ppl disagree.. =) so i'm really happy now because i am who i am.. and now those lovey dovey stuff is out of my mind and all I have now is my frens and my aspirations to keep me strong.. lately i've been watching hanazakarino kimitachihe... Its damn nice!! lols... wu chun! omg omg.. ella!! omg omg omg.. haha.. i guess tts the real me.. ppl might think getting too absorbed into a taiwan drama serial is childish and off their league.. tell u what.. tts me and deres nothing you can do bout it.. bleh! okay.. tts it.. save more info for the next entry! =D

When you thought you had it all...

2007-02-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Today is valentine's day but apart from that, its just like any other day.. lessons are still boring and life is still hard.. today is one day that I do not feel exceptionally happy or exceptionally depressed. alot of things happened today but i shall only outline the events and try not to add too much emotion into it in case people misunderstand or anything. okay.. so here it goes.. I woke up at 5 am (instead of 2) to finish up my history assignment, so i was half doing and half sleeping at the same time as I was too tired.. due to some misunderstanding (I'm not putting the blame on my mum Mr SUbash!!) i was late again. -.- haiz.. so much for a good start.. so i went around distributing my giant chocky(fake pocky) and many ppl came over and gave me presents to! ^-^ okay.. so lesson goes on as per normal and soon before we know it.. school is over! And so I proceed to volleyball training.. we had a gift exchange and tammy gave me a giraffe keychain.. Thanks! :D Kai ying wasnt here today so I couldnt give her her presents and so I ended up distributing it to bestia, jason and kian wee.. Finally.. or sadly.. as expected, just a matter of time, i'm out of the main 6 bcos a setter from hua yi joined us.. i feel happy as i know that with her presence, our chances are higher and thus I do not have to stress on what am i gonna do so as to be able to receive the ball so as not to let my teammates down. and bcos of this, i'm relieved to have her here.. but obviously, the selfish side of me is depressed, hurt and my morale, once again, falls back to where it initially was.. but of cos that is not going to stop me from going training bcos this is not about getting in to the team, but about sportsmanship, about passion and not letting ourselves down.. and so training was still training.. I broke 2 of my fingernails! ouch.... tts the consequence of being vain and lazy... after training we went for dinner at some ulu place near bukit batok as suggested by xiao ting. we went to eat 'zu chao' which is serving a few dishes with rice. the food wasnt really fantastic and the service was... eh.. i wouldnt comment on this.. but the company was perfect.. :D there was me, bestia, xiao ting, tammy and joleen. it couldnt have been more fun! i really love how friends group together and share food. really interesting and suddenly you feel that bond... after dinner i sat bus 187 to jp with xiao ting and bestia. I was supposed to meet edmund.. really sorry I was late for 1 hr and we ended up missing the movie. I'm really very sorry... So we sat around at macafe and then took a taxi home. okay.. thats all folks.. its 1 30 am now... i'm like really tired so i'm gonna go sleep now...
nitez and happy valentine's day to all.....

Somewhere there...

2007-02-13T07:32:00.000-08:00

yes.. It is I.. me in my ordinary self.. I'm a little tired today but I realised that I havent blogged for weeks so I decided to sacrifice a few minutes of beauty sleep to do some serious crapping.. tmr.. feb 14 is valentine's day. A day specially dedicated to all couples to thank each other for being there and making life a little better than before. and to all guys trying to woo the girl of their dreams. For all singles, according to jun ting, we shall all hug each other and cry.. lols.. hey! wads so bad bout being single anyway? no restrictions at all. makes life alot easier actually.. YES! theres training tmr.. and we r gonna do a valentine's day gift exchange :D I wonder who picked me.. hope its not hui ying or she'll probably buy some clown costume for me since she thinks that I am good at entertaining her. Hey its a tough job okay and at least I make ppl laugh.. it aint easy.. well due to a lack of time I had no choice but to buy my stuff from a petrol kiosk. so cheapo rite? Sorry Kai Ying... omg.. its 12 am and i'm too tired for hmwk.. hai! Hack la. i'll jus set my alarm clock and i'll wake up and finish it at 2... sounds lyk a great idea if only i can do it.. lols... hmm.. competition is coming soon and I am not ready for it. I'll have to train harder even though i may not necessarily get into the team when the next batch comes in.. haiz.. schoolwork is crazy... history is a killer.. deres hmwk for every tutorial and judging frm my speed i'll only finish 5 hrs later.. tt is.. if i set my mind on doing it.. :D okay i shld be asleep by now.... happy Valentine's Day :D

Confused...

2007-01-26T20:32:00.000-08:00

yesterday.. we had a vb match against sajc.. that was my worst performance ever. if i ever have a chance to play again.. everything will be different. really regretted all the mistakes that i've made. the disappointment in my team mates eyes whenever the ball falls to the ground... they'll only say 'dont worry girl, its just an experience..' but I know how much they wanted this. so I'm really sorry. for all the times i skipped trainings just to do some unnecessary stuff. and that they still treated me as one of them. so I'm really sorry and I know I made alot of mistakes yesterday and so I'll do my best to train harder and get better and not you guys down.. I will try my best although my best is not good enough and I might be even warming the bench during the competitions but I know I shouldnt think too much.. we should all try our best so tt we wouldnt let ourselves down..

At the beginning...

2007-01-20T22:27:00.000-08:00

a brand new year.. an updated blog... a fresh new start again.. but nothing really seems to change.. just a couple of new problems adding on to the old ones and maybe a little more stress den before.. and yes. i'm still the fat ugly stupid siow, highly sensitive, randomly funny and very depressed gal frm 2006..

To the blgs...
it has been close to a year since we first met.. well we werent really friends at first but here we are... gossiping almost every single moment... I just wanna thank the blgs for all the joy and laughters and for being there to listen and care for each other.. for standing up when one of us is being treated unfairly.. for accomodating with each others preferences, for encouraging each other when they are feeling low.. and last but not the least... for doing all the stupid stuff just to entertain us. its been real fun knowing you guys.. every single day is a new experience.. lectures and tutorials would have been really irritating without you guys... so lets uphold this reputation and do what we do best,.... GoSSiP!!!! lols.....

ok.. back to me...
yesterday...
the J1 leaders and some j2s went to vivo city for some project star concert... its project star.. not project SUPERstar! initially.. it was a little boring so my face was lyk this -----> -.- ... every1 had to keep asking me wad happened as they thought i was emoing again.. ming was lyk superhigh okay! lols.. she danced even more den tt time when we went clubbing... lols.. me and soon kheng were already half dead.. den finally we saw this motivator in front of us trying to move to the tune... but his actions were so funny tt we couldnt help but laugh n mimick him... after awhile his fren noticed our actions and keep asking others to look.. and tt motivator turned back and laughed at us.. it wasnt normal laughing. he was laughing so hard tt he had to bend down n laugh at the same time.. so sk n and i were lyk whispering ' hey.. u c him laughing so hard.. if onli he knew tt he was doing tt the whole time..' lols....

2006-11-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

by popular demand(although deres onli pumpkin n some others).. i shall continue with my story.. Sori tt it took so long.. ^-^

2006-10-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Part 3
2003 June
Hehe was afraid of Ghosts and hates watching Horror movies. Haha on the other hand was not afraid at all. He forces Hehe to watch horror movies with him. They watched so many that Hehe lost count. However, Haha knows that Hehe is scared and he sends her home everytime until it became a habit and soon he sends her home even though they didnt watch any horror movie. The most significant 1 was watching Ju On (1 of the scariest horror movie). When they were at the theatre, Hehe didnt dare to look at the screen and she keep burying her hand under her jacket. Each time Haha would attempt to pull the jacket down so that Hehe gets to see the scary parts. It was then, while Hehe was covering her head and mumbling some words that she realised that Haha didnt respond at all and she felt that something was staring at her. She turned and saw Haha staring at her, straight in the eye. For that few seconds no words were exchanged. Everything was still flowing normally except the both of them. Hehe then asked "whatcha lookin' at?" Haha didnt say anything and shifted his focus back to the screen again. Hehe felt that something was different but she couldnt quite tell what is..
Hehe was so freaked out by the movie that she knew very well that she wouldnt be able to sleep. So Haha promised to keep her company on phone throughout the night. They talked and talked, it was usually Haha who kept the conversation going. Before they knew it, it was already 5am in the morning. Hehe could tell that Haha was tired as his voice got softer but they continued talking until his mum woke up and shoo him off to bed. Hehe was thankful to everything that Haha had done but she kept her feelings to herself. She know that he was more than a friend and she knows that Haha felt the same way too..
Hehe felt that she wasnt good enough for Haha as she was fat and not smart.
There was this time, Hehe skipped taekwondo lesson(at night) and Haha came to pick her up in clementi when he was initially in ghim moh. Haha, Hehe, together with dex (Hehe's friend, who skipped taekwondo as well) went to ghim moh as it was still early. Dex went home as he was too bored while Hehe and Haha went to meet Haha's friends. The next day, Haha told Hehe that one of his friend asked if Hehe was his girlfriend because she thinks that Hehe is pretty and that he made a good choice(well. shes probably blind). Anyway, Hehe was happy and she smiled to herself thinking that for once, shes good enough for him. She was elated. However, Haha thought that Hehe was happy that someone praised her and Haha mocks at her.
Hehe was hurt and embarrassed at the same time..

2006-10-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

Part 2
Haha and Hehe continued being normal friends, chatting via the internet.
Nov 2002
Haha told Hehe that a girl was interested in him but he had no feelings for her. He asked her to pretend as his girlfriend so that the girl wouldnt be so sad and would slowly give him up.
Hehe agreed, although unsure whether it was the right thing to do.
(after alot of crap again..)
One day, Hehe had to do something in the morning and had to go out again in the afternoon and so there is a few hours of free time in which she doesnt want to go home. Thus Haha accompanied her. They took a cab down Great World City, just to linger around till time's up. Haha paid for the cab fare and Hehe was not happy about it because she has a principle that girls should pay on her own. They both got a drink and walked around Great World, chatting and more chatting since Great World = Ghost Mall. Soon, time's up and he has to go for his badminton training while Hehe has to go join her friends. She kept insisting that she pays him for the cab fare, and along the way they were trying to push the money to each other.
That was their first outing.

2006-10-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

sad.. sad.. although many good things happened today, just 1 incident was enough to spoil the day. I'm sort of having a mixed feeling right now. I know that blogs are for free expression and not for good impression, but there are some things that I am not able to say to everyone. not that anyone wans to listen.. lol.. anyway too sad now to blog. My heart was crushed, teared apart, stomped upon and sent to the bin, all at the same time.. that very moment. no words to describe.. feels like hell..

2006-10-25T00:00:00.001-07:00

Part 1
One night in sept 2002.. The story starts here..
On IRC (well, it was still considered 'cool' at that time)
murderer(his nickname): hi..
(after alot of crap...)
murderer: lets meet
freeze510(her nickname): sure.. school gate, 7 am.
The next day, 'Haha'(murderer) never showed up and 'hehe'(freeze510) waited till 715 when it was time for school.
Haha said that he was late so he didnt make it and they decided to meet again. same place same time.
He didnt turn up.. again.. and this time, he said he was sick.
So they remained as chatmates.. chatting on irc and smsing via handphones.
Hehe had no idea how Haha look like, while Haha already knew who Hehe was.
One day, Hehe had a quarrel with her clique and cried on her way home. She didnt know that Haha was behind her all the time. She thought she was alone.
Then Haha overtook her and Hehe, feeling slightly better, had a feeling that that guy was Haha, although she wasnt quite sure yet. That night, true enough, Haha smsed her and told her that he was that guy who overtook her..

2006-10-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

2006-10-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

It didnt take me too long to realise that I had been aimlessly drifting in this dimension for 17 years already! so I questioned myself, how would I want my life to be when I grow up. You see, like any other 17 year old adolescent, I aim to be rich one day, but then I slowly realised that I wasnt capable enough to start off with. so what am I going to do? Already 1 year of college life had passed and I still do not have any idea of what I want to be. I was chatting with Eunice the other day and she wants to be an Economic advisor, helping out poor countries. I think its a very interesting job and I too have the passion to help poor people. However, I know very well that my parents would not agree to this. Although my family plays a huge role in my depression, I know that I would never be able to shake off my responsibility. vanessa says she wants to be a lawyer. Thats my initial aim as well. but since I came into jjc , it seems that everyone wants to be a lawyer and thus, high competition will push me out of the society. but vanessa says that we have a lack of lawyers now, in which I really doubt since so many of them want to be lawyers. therefore, I decided to be a psychologist, but Eunice said that I have to have a masters to be a psychologist. A normal degree would probably land me up in counselling. well. about an hour ago I was in my dad's car and he was passing by boat quay(or clarke quay, I'm not too sure), and I saw the houses by the riverside and I was reminded of the time A06(well at least more than half of A06) went to see the canterbury tales. And while looking for a place to have supper, we walked pass the apartments by the riverside. Full glass, romantic, dim lights, fully air-condition, it was totally the kind of apartment I want to live in at the age of 25. so I set a goal. I am going to aim high. and 1 day i shall get that apartment, together with some of my close friends and we are going to have fun first before its time to get married. Yes. that is the kind of life that I want to live. I am not sure of reincarnation so I have to go for it at all cost. If I can only live once, it had better be gd! haha.. Still cant forget the fact that we actually won the drama fest! haha! we didnt even expected it! when they announced A06! I was like, did they read out the wrong class? Did I hear wrongly? we all thought grease would win! It was so unexpected. I could really see the joy in everyone's faces. The pure joy!! Fook tien was so happy! he was like running down the steps and jumping up and down. EVeryone of us were running down. GLORY GLORY!! all the hard work. all the time and effort. It was worthwhile.. woo hoo!! we went to celebrate aft that. we actually wanted to go eat something good but we ended up going to banquet. -.- and then we went to play pool. ahh.. I lost all my skills! the last time i played was in sec 3 and after that we stopped and i had deteriorated ever since.. sad.. ahh! I wrote so much already?! Haha.. I'm so talkative!!

2006-10-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

for the 1st time someone actually finds my blog funny!!yeah!! whoa! today is really tiring.. we had drama fest rehearsal from 1230 to 1900!!! sooo tired.. although i onli had 1 line 'step aside lady!' haha.. still very tired.. ah! these few days have been rather tiring wif the moving hse prep n sch stuff.. nvm.. at least it helps me 2 forget some stuff.. n i dun have to keep thinking n thinking and getting sad n demoralized all of a sudden.. i dunno why.. i jus cant stop thinking.. its always the case isnt it? well.. i'm not sure.. sometimes when i have nth better to do. i'll jus think and think and think.. sooner or later, my head is bound to get even bigger which is not a gd thing cos my head already cannot fit into the straw hat for the drama fest. if my head gets bigger through the night, i would not be able to wear the hat tmr! oh my goodness..! i'd better stop thinking too much before things get worse.! haiz.. i have suddenly jus lost the motivation to type on so i guess i'll just stop here, or i'll onli type more crap and it aint gd so goodnight although its only 9 pm . the time where only crazy ppl lyk soon kheng would go to slp!

2006-10-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

borrinngggg!!!!!! so so borrrinnnggg.... its 2 15 and I am still at home in my pyjamas.. doing nothing... shld i go to the library later? which 1? the queenstown 1? or the jurong 1? wad book shld I borrow? maybe i shld really go and spend the rest of the afternoon in the library.. doing more useful stuff lyk reading.. all alone? yes.. all alone.. sounds so loner.. but sounds just lyk me.. so i am a loner! ok! fine!!! i admit!! ahhh... should i get a laptop or a desktop? the salesman told me a laptop is more practical since I am in jc.. but a desktop has a longer lifespan... so what should I get? haiz.. I am about to move out from my house.. should be around the end of the month.. goodness. so stressed.. moving house stuff.. chinese a level.. projectwork.. volleyball.. laptop.. dramafest.. shopping.. ( ok shopping is not really included..) and alot more! goodness!! so many things to do!!! so little time.. but i m not gonna stress myself.. as you can see.. I am still on a relax mode.. one of my many mottos in life: relax today stress tomorrow.. you might not even live pass today.. so yup!!! not gonna stress too much.. btw.. does everyone have the problem of wanting to shit in the library?? i get that sometimes.. i think its because of the temperature.. too cold.. makes me wanna shit.. so i am gonna shit first before I go.. ... ... ... i cant shit.. haiz.. not now.. so how? ok.. I am gonna try sitting on the floor.. maybe it'll cool my butt and help me shit... so goodbye!!!!

2006-10-11T06:45:00.001-07:00

its been a few days ever since i blogged.. haiz.. Today, I dun feel very gd.. am i gonna die soon? jus a little bit of exercise and I am already so exhausted. i think the fats are getting to me. they're gonna block my arteries and soon i'll be on my deathbed, with plenty of flowers surrounding me. everyone around me would be very very sad. nono.. I dont like to die like tt. everything shld be different in my life! because I am different from other people. for good or for bad. I know I am different, I just know.. I think I am suffering from depression. I think its because of my low self esteem. but its not really considered as low self esteem if its the facts right? so I am just depressed. for everything tt happened throughout my life. I didnt have a good life in the past and not now either. I am bothered by the matters of the past and I cant seem to get away from it. I know everyone has regrets but I regret everything I do. everything. If time could turn back.. no.. if i could have another chance to be someone else.. just once.. since i cant then I shall try to make my funeral the best! the most unique! to mark the death of this very depressed little girl. how very different it would be if your loved ones were happy over your death. then you wouldnt feel so bad leaving them all. so everyone starts to bring in their portable hi-fi and dance to the beat of CRAZY FROG!! beep beep beep beep beep...... and there would be a buffet with cocktails. and there would be a huge disco light ball in the middle of the church and the only lights visible would come from the light ball.. then all the nuns and the priests starts to dance as well.. and the choir group would start to sing a cheerful song! everyone would be very very happy and the church will give my momma n poppa 5 million dollars!! hehe.. i think i am crazy already.. its 10 15. do i want to sleep? no! hmm.. wads there tmr? ah! its a long day. tmr we are gonna get back our literature results. oh no. i'm banging on my lit to promote. my life depends on it. what if i fail? in which i most probably would? what if mr dore comes up to me and say 'sorry gal, u missed the mark this time' ahhh!! haiz. dear god pls bless me. oh yes yes! despite all the bad stuff, something touching actually happened today. my younger sis (intellectually disabled) who didnt fancy talking to me actually came home and shouted for me. my mum called me and i spoke to her over the phone, telling her tt i'll be back very soon. i felt really touched aft tt.. she made everything worthwhile. she made life beautiful.. she showed me tt life could be very simple. if only you didnt think too far. just focus on whats ard you. she taught me most. and right now, shes showing me her dance moves again! she loves lin jun jie and i think i can remember the lyrics of everyone of his songs.. lol.. ok this entry is really long.. i shld end here.. nitez everyone!!

2006-10-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

2006-10-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Finally! did so many things todae! whahahaha!! went 2 my little aunt's wedding todae. lesson learnt: marriage is a lifelong commitment. take it seriously. when i sat down n waited for the bride, i cant help but wonder how shld my wedding be lyk in time 2 come. hee.. i thought of diving down 2 the deepest part of the ocean n den saying my vows wif the love of my life.. how romantic.. but den again.. i'd probably die before i even get 2 sae em. n how unromantic to sae 'I do' n the other party doesnt noe wad u r saying bcos wad wld b comin out frm ur mouth wld onli be bubbles bubbles n more bubbles! so all u hear is 'bloop bloop' n every1 starts clapping n u cant even hear em clap.. n one of the audience wld start 2 whisper to the other party thinking tt he wouldnt b caught.. haha! he thought wrong! cos the stream of bubbles would come out frm his mouth n every1 wld turn n stare at this terrible man wif their cool goggles! n he wld try 2 apologise but all tt comes out again is 'bloop bloop' haiz.. so no underwater wedding for me.. so i came out wif my conclusion aft awhile.. tt is i wld have my wedding in the garden.. green green grass of hope. the sun warm and inviting.. the place wld be filled wif white classy chairs and a red carpet. flowers surrounding the area where the pastor stands. cool.. hee... ok.. enough of the wedding. so the solemnization ends n marks the beginning of everlasting relationship of the lovely couple.. den i went for retail therapy.. didnt really buy much... ahh!! i regretted not buying the sims cd!! ahhh!!! now i have 2 go back tmr just to buy it. haiz. cant wait for tmr! cant wait to play the sims!! woohoo!!! bye

stream of consciousness

2006-10-06T04:18:00.000-07:00

promos r finally over.. but I m not happy... dunno if i can promote, but its too late to regret.. so i guess i'll jus sit n pray n meanwhile enjoy myself.. aww.. i cant believe tis.! i shouldnt have promised ming n sk tt i'll lose 3 kg in a mth n a day! tts lyk nv gonna happen cos i'm soooo lazy! i actually wanted 2 go gym todae but ended up running errands wif my mum.. well its not as if i can help it.. I HAD TO HELP MY MUM!! haha.. tokin bout my mum.. shes now busily trying 2 apologise to my dad for ramming his car to the wall tis aftnoon.. lol! i was dere as well.. n i can onli say.. onli she is capable of tt! so now i m all ready for dinner wif my parents.. tt is.. if my dad doesnt blow up aft he finds out.. hee!! but i had fun todae.. mostly sitting in the car while my mum does her stuff.. the climax of the dae.. woohooo!!!! I actually went to shit todae! n omg! i totally bombed the toilet! woohoo! 1st it started hard.. n den slowly.. slowly.. it turned watery.. cool huh?! but it hurts lyk hell! Gosh! i had to hold both sides of the laundry basket n chew on my bathing towel! n my toes were lyk forced apart! each toe was lyk 1 cm away frm each other! haha!! i shld write a book on tis! n den in 20 yrs 2 come i'll commit suicide lyk sylvia plath.. n my husband will publish my works.. n i'll get famous.. n the JC literature class will use my works for a levels n write a commentary on me. n they'll write 'stella has the talent of masterful use of detail n description to create character and atmosphere.. lol... ok gtg for dinner.. goodbye!!!

Filling up the holes

2006-09-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dont even know why I chose this as a title.. anyway, I am not going to talk about what I did today as there isn't anything interesting that I can boast about. nonetheless, I am not going to leave my blog blank as its been like this ever since a long long time. I can't help getting all excited for the literature trip to uk next year. I might not even make it. What if I am involved in some extra lessons during that period? What if mr Dore suddenly decides to eliminate all those who did not do well in his literature assignment from the list of names. Oh dear mr almighty up above!! you've got to help me!! Today on my way to school I thought about many things. Alot of associations before I came across this question that left me thinking for the rest of the journey. Why is it that people get cuffed when they die if they committed suicide? Do you get arrested if u attempt to commit suicide? So die = cuffed, dont die = get arrested? In this case I'd rather die even though I don't have the motivation to anymore since I'll get arrested if I don't die. How comforting. But then again, if they do not arrest those that attempts to commit suicide, then every tom dick and harry(I hate using these names) will attempt to commit suicide, some for attention, some just for the fun of it. So I guess there is no win win solution. Ok, I am more or less done. I still have alot of things to do like reading comics and composing songs and watching rented vcds. woo hoo!!

kboxing my life awae!!~~~ whoo hoo!!

2006-09-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

haiz.. been a long time since i update my blog.. so many things 2 sae but.. nah.. not goin 2 think bout it anymore.. hmm... todae.. we went 2 kbox! whoo hoo!! although i nv sing much.. but still i enjoyed alottttt!! haha.. poor ppl.. had 2 put up wif my sian face in kbox.. i m realli singing! jus wanting 2 give ppl a chance 2 sing as well ma!! aniwaes.. todae we all had a great time.. at least for me... haha.. so i'll nv regret todae, though we didnt have the chance 2 go plae pool.. but dun worry emily.. deres alwaes another time! :D haha.. hai yo.. todae we went 2 tt very ex food court again!! $3.80 for a bowl of homemade noodles!! thank god tt the table looks cool n the whole ambience was acceptable.. if not! kkkkeaaakkkk!!!! (slashing throat action) lolz.. todae we took neoprint too! ai yo! I look lyk S***... haiz.. so i didnt keep any.. thank god again i took some pics on my handphone.. haiz.. getting fatter again.. haiz haiz.. sad sad... one dae i m gonna slash some of my meat off! whahahaha!! dear god! i pray tt u'll let me wake up one dae discovering tt i've turned slim.. n this will remain permanent! yes... den the slashing meat dae wld nv have 2 come! whahaha!!!! once again.. my eyelids starts getting heavy.. n i m bout 2 drift into lalaland again.. everything seems blurr... n small... double vision occurs... cant c the screen.. can onli c the keyboard... soon.. darkness surrounds me... i m once again in... lalaland..... nitez...

Bring back the smile!!

2006-08-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

todae... didnt get to smile much.. didnt get a gd laugh.. didnt have anything gd 2 last me throughout the nite.. so i'll jus keep crappin bout sad stuff until i feel better.. hee.. hmm.. todae i took the early bus.. so i sat on the bus alone.. as a result, joleen felt lethargic the whole dae bcos i wasnt dere 2 start her dae! lol!! =( n i didnt get 2 open my mouth too when i was in the bus. lonely... so i listened 2 spirited away n slowly drifted into lalaland.. haiz... had a hard time walking cos my fats r taking over me. plus my bag.. ahh.. i was practically wading ard the sch.. todae is lyk 1 of the earliest daes so when i reached hm.. i managed to get some sleep..before tt i was trying to convince joleen on the reasons of me not wanting to go back to sch on teacher's dae..i'm realli sori if i agitated u but i have my reasons n i hope u'll understand.. i'm not forcing u to not go as well.. in fact. i seriously hoped tt u wld go without me.. cos i realli dun wan to regret meeting em since i dun realli have a gd experience wif the previous outing.. anywae. i'm not realli close to the teachers.. nor the students.. so wad's the point? realli soori... i promise i'll reconsider but pls dun b angry.. haiz.. i'm a failure.. how i wished tt ppl who hate me will come n tell me straight in the face n wake my bloody mind up~!! i'm losing it... tsk tsk.. wait.. where was i? oh.. sleep.. oh.. yes.. speaking bout sleep.. SLEEPING was supposed 2 make me feel recharged when i wake up but NO!! i woke up with a headache.! oh my.. n now.. i'm lost.. dunno wad 2 do nxt.. right now.. i wish there was a slapping machine to slap me real hard so tt my face wld get smaller.. lol.. sori.. tt was rather random.. well.. i guess tts me.. very random n anti-climax.. crazy most of the times... i should realli stop thinking.. its getting scary.. i wouldnt wan 2 scare my frens away.. i do appreciate when they try 2 help though..
i m a failure.. total failure..
4 yrs of secondary education yet no accomplishment..
nothing to call my own
nothing 2 hold back
evrything 2 regret
nothing to ask for..
oh... god of mama!!!!!

Mondae blues!!~~

2006-08-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

todae is mondae.. n the mondae blues r killing me! lol.. hmm.. nth much happened 2dae.. met joleen on the bus n started pouring out evrythin tt happened during the weekend... recently.. i have been keeping some things to myself.. guess i fear tt if i sae it out.. it wont happen again.. confusing huh? its supposed 2 b so... anywae..i lyk meeting joleen in the morning.. i'll start crapping n get realli energized b4 i start my dae! poor joleen.. has 2 bear wif my crap.. nxt.. reach sch.. lessons as per normal.. (boring) n madi scolded us.. she looked realli angry.. well u cant blame me.. i m realli trying.. how will i noe how 2 approach her when i dun even noe wad qn 2 ask her?? haiz... den we went for chinese.. i tried my best 2 keep quiet ok! but how quiet can i b? i m sitting beside emily! oh my..! den we had maths.. as usual.. dunno a thing.. den econs.. zzz.. den sch's over! yea! we were doin aq... i finished mine early n started 2 disturb every1.. ming ming finished nxt .. shes realli fast.. emily was the last! 3 hrs ago she was on the 1st paragraph.. 3 hrs later shes still on the same paragraph.. -.- she was looking 4 her motivation.. who went hiding in 1 corner..mugging.. lol.. den he went off n so emily lost mood of doin her aq.. n we head hm! was wif clement on the way hm.. started interrogating him.. lol.. found out some very interesting facts... lol.. ok.. so here i m n b4 i leave i wld lyk 2 thank ming ming for she thought me alot on msn 2nite.. thanks alot! although i m still very confused but things r definitely clearer den b4! i'll not forget tt we have 2 do 100 situps tonite!!:D

Ushering dae..

2006-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

oh my.. i spent the whole dae ushering!! haha.. not exactly.. since its onli frm 3-7.. lol.. i woke up at 11.. so its lyk half the dae gone already.. thank god the whole thing was fun overall.. or i'll b lyk screaming the dae away.. lucky deres emily too.. or i'll b so bored.. Thank god!! anyway.. todae is alot on p*** n e**** n very little of me -.- sad.. but its kinda fun cos we were again screaming our heads off wif the songs n everything.. n emily! u shall regret not waiting 4 the bus wif me 4 the rest of ur life!! lol.. surprisingly jia whei msg me todae.. although i was realli boring n took a few hrs 2 reply his msgs.. we managed 2 carry on our conversation till 11.. aft tt i think he sorta gave up waiting.. -.-ll n jiawhei! dun think u can try 2 get info bout joleen jus by msging me! dream on! =p haiz.. so many things to do.. so little time... haiz... so boring.. parents nagging all dae.... i jus wanna die!!!!! ok goodbye =)

Jey Jey ls the Best!!

2006-08-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

lol.. todae we went 2 mediacorp 2 support the student councils.. ! so fun teasing emalie! haha.. me.. sk n emalie were lyk super enthu..ming ming joined us later on the bus! think i'm gonna have a sore throat tmr.. omg! stupid camera! come so close! my face damn big la! haiz! hope they cut tt part.. too ugly.. evry1 wld b lyk.. 'ah! kua tio gui!!' haiz haiz... havent been blogging 4 the past few daes. so i left out some important details lyk the jey jey leadership camp! oh my! my lg.. hmm.. nt bad la.. still tok although they now call me fishball.. -.-ll ahhh.. miss vb training!! sian.. joleen ps me!!! fine!!! pumpkin tried 2 sell me some holy spring water todae.. 18 bucks!! goodness!! i m so not gonna buy.. hey.. tt does not mean i dun support u k! go pumpkin!! deep in a little corner of ur heart u'll find me dere cheering 4 u.. toking bout cheering..---> leaders ----> chinese riddle competition---> usher ----> full u n tie! ---> 3 - 7!!!!!! ----> no time ----> pw ----> fail ---> all subjects ----> retain ----> die! .. haha.. i m stella dedalus!! a whole full crap of associations!!! oh my!! so excited! we r goin k box again!! woo hoo!!! excited x 500!!!!

Grandma's bday!

2006-08-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

todae is Grandma's bday! actually its tmr but we decided to celebrate it todae.. i didnt noe wad 2 get 4 her so i got her a purse(it aint cheap ok!!).. den we went 2 tis 88 restaurant for dinner.. omg.. the service sucks! the lady supervisor had a 'u owe me a thousand bucks!' face.. n the tea.. omg.. its jus water with a few chrysanthemum petals.. goodness! aniwae.. hope my grandma likes my present...hee..haiz... haven studied for history yet.. dun feel lyk taking the test..lol.. ahh.. history sucks.. cant even remember wad i read last sun.. forget it.. i give up!! haiz.. i wanna go cycling.. aww... ok.. nth much 2 sae alreadi.... shall end here.. yawnZzz

2006-08-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

灰色的天空
灰色的世界
沒有一個機會是我把握的住的
沒有一種幸福是屬於我的
沒有人在你身邊保護你
呵護你
有的只是一堆造成趨避衝突的問題
沒有人能為我分析
也沒有人能給我答案
可笑的生日
只能在眼淚中度過...

Thank u! Dr Pumpkin!!

2006-08-08T06:40:00.000-07:00

tis was wad dear pumpkin said to me on msn aft he read my blog..

* *~<..Food For Da Soul...>~* says:
hey you...relax ok!..friends come friends go..but i dun think your circle of friends are getting distant..it's just that as we grow..we do our own stuffs sometimes and we dont get to do things together anymore..i learnt to accept that
i do miss jia whei jason kkh and ALOT AND ALOT of ppl in GMSS including the malay stall auntie and her curry chicken
take things in ur stride..
even if you have to be a lonewolf..so be it..
but chances are you wont be..
cos im HERE
STILL ALIVE DAMMIT!

thanks pumpkin.. for all tt u've said realli cheered me up! i m so glad to noe u.. n tts 1 gd thing of me being in ghim moh.. somehow i have jason to thank ( although i m not willing to) for he was the 1 hu sort of introduced me 2 u!( although we were in the same class frm sec 2 onwards..) aniwae.. Thanks alot!!! u'll alwaes be my soulmate.. my pumpkin... my sista!!!
mango here... ^-^

2006-08-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

Life of a depressed soul..

2006-08-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

oh my..
never thought tt i wld create a blog somedae.. ahhh... dun think tis wld last long aniwae.. haiz... todae is a realli depressing dae.. went back to sch n everyone said tt i've grown fatter..! ahh.. but tts not tt bad since i have alwaes been fat.. aniwae.. went out wif josephine n joleen 2 pastamania.. den stroll ard town lyk the secondary sch daes... aww.. miss those times.. but evrything doesnt feel the same anymore.. we have a gap between us n nuthin wld b the same again.. todae when we were strolling.. we jus suddenly lost the whole happy mood n drift into depression.. every1 started looking realli tired n bored.. haiz... its been a long time since we went out n now.. haiz.. somehow i dun think the rest miss me lyk i miss ém.. maybe i m thinking too much.. i hope i m.. but evrytime when they reject me when i asked em out.. it onli shows tt my intuition is rite.. i dun realli wanna sae tis out in public but i jus wanna let some1 noe bout my problems... tts all.. i sacrificed ice skating wif my new classmates jus to be wif em ( i realli was enticipating the ice skating thingy b4 they decided on the meeting) n when i got home.. all i can think of is my stupid actions in the dae... my stupid character.. my stupid fate! why is it tt i dun get frens tt really cares?! or wld accept n lyk me 4 hu i m.. hu wldnt point out my flaws.. or mock at me?? i used to think they wld.. their my real frens.. my soulmates... but now.. look at us!! maybe i m not supposed to b in this clique.. maybe i was jus nt gd enuf for em. maybe my existence wld onli bring down their reputation.. maybe.. if i were to sae tis to em.. they'll probably sae i m thinkin too much.. n so will my sec sch frens.. nobody realli understands how its lyk 2 be alone when u r actually wif a grp of frens.. i used to think tt even if i do not have any frens in jj.. its doesnt realli matter since deep inside i m not alone.. but now i have no 1 to really tok 2.. to the extent tt now.. i'm toking to the computer!! jj frens r realli fun to mix wif but they're nv realli dere when u need em.. they'll probably think i have a problem if i jus burst out in tears.. somehow i pity chiwawa.. tt shes ostracized by so many ppl.. i think i'm lyk her.. deep inside.. haiz.. hmm.. lemme try to think of smth fun to cheer me up.. ah! the camp! ahhh..... but i dunno if i m goin or not... haven paid the money yet.. dun noe the packing list... dunno the grps.. haiz.. dunnoe if i m still inside... sounds realli fun though,... nono.. cant sae tt.. everytime i expected smth to turn out fun.. it nv did.. -.- so i'm nt gonna sae anything yet.. :x mouth closed n pray hard... hmm.. so is tt how long an entry shld b? havnt been reading blogs so i dun noe.. hmm.. oh well.. since i have nth to sae alreadi.. i shld jus end here.. feels so much better to get it all out... woo hoo!!~~~